The world is full of leather-clad dominatrices, but Professional Disciplinarians -- dominants who specialize in traditional spanking scenarios -- are something of a rarity. Miss Sandra is an exceptionally skilled disciplinarian (now retired) living in the Denver area. The following interview took place when Sandra was still seeing clients.
Let’s start at the beginning. How long have you had spanking fantasies?
I began having fantasies at about the age of six. The scenarios dealt with teachers, uncles and other authority figures that were completely removed from my parents. For some reason these fantasies just appeared one day, and I don’t know why.
As a child, did you ever fixate on spanking scenes from movies or television shows?
Oh yes. I knew which movies had spanking scenes in them, and I would hunt though the TV Guide to see if they were playing any time that week. Then I would write down the channel and the time.
Many CP enthusiasts say their spanking fantasies began in childhood. Can you speculate on what the source might be?
I believe it’s something that we were either lacking as children or something we were very comfortable with in childhood. That is the sense of security, a sense of an adult’s authority, and a sense of being cared for. Childhood is a very vulnerable stage for all of us, not having any control and having to pay the price for the bad things we do. There’s a real sense of security during a spanking and a sense of forgiveness after it’s over. In a perfect world, the adult punishes the child and then hugs them. That’s the kind of security I’m talking about.
As you entered your teenage years, how did you deal with your spanking fantasies?
I buried them, very, very deep. I could bury them for about three or four months and then they’d resurface with a vengeance. And the obsession would dominate every waking thought.
Did you understand that this was an aspect of your sexuality?
Well, I didn’t. I really didn’t. I thought something was radically wrong with me, because I didn’t believe anybody liked that, or should like that. It didn’t register that spanking could be a normal part of foreplay, or part of someone’s lifestyle. I really had no idea that it was okay.
Did any of your boyfriends ever try to spank you?
I dated two guys in my early 20s who were into this, but they didn’t talk to me about it. I didn’t know what it was all about and I was afraid. This was something that nobody knew, and I was scared to death that somebody would find out.
My first boyfriend I started dating when I was 19. He was five years older than me. We did a lot of wrestling and things like that, and he’d often put me over his knee. It was always fun, just playing around.
But the first time that he tried to do that in the bedroom, I said “No!” because it scared the hell out of me. And he never did it again. Even playing, outside the bedroom, he never tried to do it again.
The second boyfriend that I had, I knew he was into it, but he never followed through with anything. And at that point I wanted him to.
One night he kept threatening to put me over his knee, and I kept trying to egg him on, but it never happened.
When was your breakthrough?
When I was about 35 I finally got a computer and went on the Internet. Out of frustration I typed in the word spanking on a search engine, and it opened doors that will never be closed again. I also put the word spanking in my profile on AOL. It’s amazing how many people want to talk to you when you’re a female who likes to be spanked.
As a Switch, you enjoy both Topping and Bottoming. What do you like most about getting your backside warmed?
I just love the endorphin rush, and that’s not really true for most people. For most Bottoms it’s a psychological fix. It is for me too, to a certain degree. A good spanking wipes the slate clean and it’s a great stress reliever. It’s like all the weight has been lifted off of you.
You prefer hard spankings.
I like it extremely hard.
What are your favorite implements?
They’re all unique; it’s hard to pick a
favorite. The hand at first, for the warm-up.
Then above anything else, I
love my blue polyurethane strap. It hurts like hell, but it’s my favorite. After that, a leather strap of some sort. I do a lot better with implements
that sting than those that thud.
When did your dominant streak assert itself?
When I first got into all of this, I joined a couple of the BDSM groups in Denver, including Uncommon Ground. Spanking is just a small part of that realm, but I learned a heck of a lot and met many people, some of whom I’m still really good friends with.
I realized that there were no women who were actually into spanking, like I was, as Tops. So I thought about it and eventually talked to someone who had hired several ProDoms over the years. I went to his house and played as a Top. He gave me a few pointers and told me I was a natural.
What to you get out of administering a firm spanking?
It’s a completely different headspace. If it’s a good session, I get a sense of satisfaction that I was able to take the client where he needed to go, both physically and psychologically.
It’s really beneficial that I’m a Switch, because I understand when a Bottom tells me what he needs. Because I have been on the Bottom, and have been in that headspace, I can take the client to the same place and know when he’s reached it.
There is an opinion that Switches make the best Tops, because they don’t let Bottoms off the hook too soon.
I try not to. It depends. If it’s a brand-new client and we’re testing his tolerance and trying to get to know each other, I’m a lot more lenient. But if it’s somebody I’ve known for a while…
You describe yourself as a Professional Disciplinarian. How does that differ from a Professional Dominatrix?
The word dominatrix implies leather, safe bondage, nipple torture and all of the other stuff that goes along with BDSM. I don’t do any of that. I am strictly a disciplinarian. That means spanking and corporal punishment scenarios, and the role-playing that is associated with them.
Most ProDoms prefer to be called “Mistress.” How should one address a Professional Disciplinarian?
It depends on what role I’m playing. When I’m Topping, I prefer to be referred to as Miss Sandra or Ma’am. When I’m doing a Switch role or socializing with other people in the community, I prefer to be called Sandy.
You’ve mentioned that some clients approach you with scripted scenes, but that you prefer more spontaneous play.
A role-play scene is better if it’s ad-libbed. It makes it a lot more fun. If I’m concentrating on “Well I have to say this phrase so many times, and I have to make sure I have this tone of voice,” then I can’t concentrate on getting into the role and being who the client needs me to be. Plus it’s annoying! It’s much better if the client just lets me do what I know.
Describe your typical client.
The majority of my clients are regulars. They’re just normal professional people. They have real jobs and live real lives, and they’re not oddballs. People on the street would have no idea what their fantasy life is like.
Do you think many of them hide their spanking fantasies from their spouses?
Yes they do. It’s very sad. I have a long personal discussion with my clients before, during and after their sessions. Most of my clients are men, and I ask them, “Does your wife or girlfriend know?”
Some tell me, “Well I’ve tried to bring it up, but she’s just really not into it and it turns her off.” Or, “She’s just not into it, but she knows that I have this fantasy and that I play with other people.”
With a handful of my clients, their wives know and have actually talked to me, or sent their husbands to me specifically. I even have one client, he and his wife will both come over. She likes to make sure that he’s getting his just deserts.
When a client comes to see me, the sessions are not erotic. There’s no sexual contact, nothing. Obviously there is a sexual undertone, because we are adults. But my sessions are not erotic and I’m fulfilling something that my clients desperately need. If their wives knew the truth, and knew what went on in the session, I think they would be would be okay with it.
What is the secret to a good spanking?
A loss of control for the person being spanked. That’s essential because that’s the Bottom’s psychological fix. They need to give up control.
A lot of my clients are top executives and they’re under a lot of stress. They’re always making the decisions, always keeping everything running. They need to be able to completely relinquish that responsibility and let somebody else take control for a while.
When they’re in a vulnerable position, over my knee or over the spanking bench, they don’t have much control. So it’s a psychological release for them.
What is the difference between a play session and a punishment session?
With a play session, there’s a good warm-up. There’s also laughing, joking and socializing during the session.
A punishment session is based on something real that the person has done. They screwed up. They knew they were doing wrong, and they did it anyway, knowing they would pay the price.
If somebody comes to see me for a real punishment, I will do that. But we still talk about it beforehand and come to an agreement about what is going to transpire.
A punishment doesn’t last as long as a play session because of the level of intensity. There is no warm-up. I administer a real spanking.
You’ve mentioned that you believe people in the spanking scene share a common physiology.
Everyone has specific sensitive spots on their body, spots that are considered erogenous zones, and they’re not all the same for each person. I believe that with people who have a spanking fetish, one of their erogenous zones, their nervous system for this particular turn-on, is located in their behinds.
All of the people I know who are into this have a specific type of behind. It’s hard to explain; they just have round, padded, spankable behinds. They’re perfectly shaped to be spanked. Even if they’re Tops, their behinds still have that same shape. It’s really strange.
What advice would you give to novices who wish to explore their interest in adult spanking?
Well, if someone wants to be a Top, my suggestion is that first they need to play as a Bottom. They have to at least experience that headspace, even if it is not their preference. And they need to know what the implements feel like at different intensities, before they start using them on other people.
There’s so much involved in the headspace of being a Bottom, I believe that a Top has to be able to relate to that in order to be a good Top.
What about Bottoms?
My advice is to be very careful. Make sure that any potential Top knows what he or she is talking about. Ask questions. Make sure the Top gives you the answers you know are right before you play.
If someone is in a committed relationship, how might they broach this subject with their partner?
Hopefully they have an open relationship as far as communication goes. Maybe they could try something like, “You know, there’s this fantasy that I’ve had my whole life, and I really need your help fulfilling it. Please don’t think I’m crazy, but would you do this for me?”
Open communication is just essential. With my boyfriend, I specifically said, “This is what I like and I need for you to be able to do this for me. If you can’t, then I’ll have to find someone who can.”
And he’s happy to accommodate?
Yes. It’s not his fetish, so we’ll go long periods of time without playing. But if I need a session as a Bottom, all I have to do is ask him. He’s also very open about me Bottoming with someone else, as long as he knows about it.
Thank you for your time, Sandy. Do you have any parting thoughts?
Just one word of advice for everybody: Don’t worry about what society thinks. Even if you have to do it in secret, make sure you fulfill this need, because it will not go away. It’s part of who we are and there’s nothing wrong with expressing it.
